grades = depression

i'm supposed to be in law sKool but i actually forgot my password AND the username to get on here.  sometimes i question my smarts. i mean, i dont even know how to use this blogger thing very well.  i really suck at it.

well, i've been meaning to get on and blog, though i must admit, not as often as i intended too.
been sorta on a depressed bout. i can blame it on law school but truth is, if i wasn't in school i'd probably bitch about something else. BUT for now, i'm in school, therefore, it was about school.

got grades right after my 1st post and well, i wasnt very pleased with my grades.  i scored average in a class of about 25 students but i was not happy with that.  i like to be in the top 5 - 6. partly because i guess i am competitive (it took me to get to law school to realize that) and partly because i want that safety net. i want to secure my gpa and ensure i stay in school w/o being placed on academic probation.
so, i'm taking 4 classes:

1 - property
2 - corporations
3 - civ pro
4 - professional responsibilities

now, throughout the entire year, we are tested three times and not on a curve, at least that's what the office says.

i dont expect much from corporations of professional responsibilities b/c the corporations professor is the type of guy who likes pure bull written on an exam. I guess i'm not that good at writing bullcrap. He's big on analysis, as all professors are, but i mean this guy is ridiculous and will beat 1 point over and over and over again. so, thats what he expects us to do on the exam and truth is - i suck at it!  so, the first exam i took i actually failed by 1 point AND i knew my stuff frontward and backward. but it was my analysis and the interrogatory that he wrote on the questions.  apparently, he was asking for stuff that wasn't expressly stated in the interog but we should have known.  Yes. he told this to us when we went over it in class.
well, this 2nd exam, i passed.  still wasnt in the top but i didn't expect it.  for the 3rd exam i'll be happy to just pass his class.

i dont expect much for professional responsibilities b/c that professor is a straight up cunt. yup. i have a very foul mouth but i have never used that label for anyone b/c i think it's a horrible word but thats what i think of her.  looooooooong story short, lets just say, i'm happy with a passing grade.  i passed first and second exam.

now, for property and civ pro. well, lets just say, i BETTER ROCK THOSE FUCKING EXAMS next month.  no excuses.  professors aren't weirdo's. they are NORMAL and grade like normal people!! they actually know how to teach, point u in the right direction, dont encrypt hidden questions in the interrogatory that no one in the class can decipher.

i gave up w/corporations and professional responsibilities b/c for both 1st and 2nd exam i studied and studied and studied, and analyzed, practiced writing questions, reviewed rules, made sure i understood concepts. but no matter what i did, i barely passed. barely. how is that possible?   i remember i was so upset when i saw i failed corporations on the 1st exam because i knew that material so well. it was sooo easy yet that jerk off didnt pass me on any question. i read the answer of others to compare with mine, and i saw the difference. it was alot of crap written. so, i tried to give him more crap this 2nd exam. it was enough to pass but not by that much.  i guess i have to work on giving him more crap for the final.

did i say i wasnt happy when i saw my grades? i mean, for that entire wknd i was in bed, doubting my ability to succeed in this endeavor. i was angry w/myself.  just angry and sad and upset and scared. scared b/c what if i'm not smart enough.

i heard a judge speak last night at this banquet and he said "if u r intimidated by someone it's b/c u have consented to it. u have allowed it to happen"

so i guess i have to keep remembering those words.  it was a great speech.  i needed the motivation. though right now i'm not feeling so hot.  is that what law school is about?  tearing u to bits and pieces and making u feel like a dumb ass. making u feel that at any moment u can get kicked out and basically be a failure.  pretty much telling u that u arent good enough to continue in this field.
i know not everyone gets the concepts taught. sure, it comes to us later but the time and process we go thru to try and get them into our brain is painful.  i do remember how hard contracts was.  it was a nightmare. but in the end, after countless hours of reading and re-reading and disecting and trying to put things into perspective, it just clicked.

i forgot which speaker said this last night, but someone said 'it's difficult. if it weren't then anyone could do it.'
no wonder there is such a high rate of alcoholism for attorneys, i read its 1 in 5 lawyers. also, i've read that pessimism is the trait to have to be successful in our field whereas in other fields, it's optimism AND that lawyers suffer from depression at higher rates than in any other field.  hhhhmmm. with that said, maybe i will be very successful as an attorney.